The book that changed my childhood: A Little Princess
[Trigger warning: abuse]
I grew up in a tough situation. I never would have called it abuse at the time, because it was the only kind of life I knew, but as I grew older it became harder and harder for me. Every day I woke up early to take care of the animals, went to school, came home and immediately started on chores. At about 6, my parents would get home. There was always work to do, so our first break was usually dinner, around 8. We ate home-cooked meals as a family, the domestic picture of bliss. My parents started drinking as soon as they walked in every day. My mom drank to lose herself in another life. I don't know why my dad drank, what personal demons were after him. After dinner, before we even had a chance to put the dishes away, my dad would start in on my sister and I. Our offenses varied day to day, but never changed throughout the years: we didn't finish all of our chores, we didn't do our chores well enough, we weren't doing well enough in school, and all of that because we were lazy and stupid and ugly, and no man would ever want us...By the time mom would convince him to let us put the dishes away (nearly 9), he would stalk after us while she went to bed. His "lectures" turned into punishment. We had to stand against the slanted kitchen wall, no where to escape. Slaps across the face stung the worse, but he wouldn't hit hard enough to bruise. Anywhere else was fair game. If we flinched or turned away, we got another hit. There was more, too, but only for me. He was convinced I wasn't his actual daughter though throughout my life he refused to get a paternity test.
[End trigger warning]
When I was 6, I read A Little Princess by Franes Hodgson Burnett. Sara somehow is always positive and kind and generous. I wanted so badly to always be like that. I actively tried to be like Sara. When I was yelled at, I tried to take it as constructive criticism and correct the offending behavior. Where before I had lied to protect myself, I started taking responsibility for my perceived faults, although it did not make a difference. As I got older, I realized that real life may not have a happy ending the same way A Little Princess did, but it was habit to try to look at the brighter side of things. To this day, I credit A Little Princess with getting me through my childhood years and into my preteens.
The book that changed my life: First Test
[Trigger warning: bullying/abuse/eating disorder]
In middle school, I started getting bullied by both kids at school and kids on my street. I always tried to stick up for myself, but instead of biting, witty retorts, I stuttered and made no sense or started turning red or crying. One of the things I was made fun of for was bringing brown-paper-bag lunches that were cheap lunch meats and bread. I dealt with the stress of that by not eating at school and binge-eating as soon as I got home. I also started skimping at dinner because my stomach was always in knots about what was going to come after dinner. Looking at pictures now, I know I was not fat when I was younger. But my dad told me I was all the time, yelled at me for eating snack foods after school, told me no man was ever going to want me. My sister took her cues from dad and told me a lot of the same, though she eventually stopped. It was too much for me. My parents announced that they were getting a divorce and I moved out with my mom, but the damage was already done. I stopped eating. I made excuses about it -- at school, I said I ate when I got home. At home, we were so poor both mom and I were eating less to leave more for the other. I got a growth spurt at the same time and ended up being very tall and thin, which put an end to the bullying at school. Living with mom took me out of dad's reach, so I wasn't screamed at and hit or anything else anymore, but in my head I was still fat, and ugly, and lazy, and stupid.
[End trigger warning]
During my parent's divorce, a librarian was my savior. She handed me Protector of the Small: First Test by Tamora Pierce and said she thought I would like it. I read it before school was out for the day and took it home and read it over and over again anyways until I had to turn it in. Keladry (Kel) was every everything I wanted to be: strong, just, and kind. She was stubborn about doing what was right, and no matter how picked on she was for being the only female trainee, she stuck it out and worked harder to be as good as the boys. Kel was the role model I needed to stop being passive-Sara and take a leading role in my own life. She showed me that it was okay to work hard and stay true to yourself. Other people's expectations didn't rule her life, and I wasn't going to let them rule mine either.
There were days -- years, actually -- that I thought I was nothing and I would never be anything else. I was stupid, lazy, ugly, and fat. I won't say that it was the books alone that pulled me through, but they were the anchors in my life. I worked as hard as Sara and Kel and became the person I wanted to be. Without Sara and Kel, I'm afraid I would have been bitter and fulfilled the prophecy my dad drilled into my head. But I wasn't alone; I had my books. Today, I am my own, strong woman. I worked hard and graduated (twice). I work in a dream position and do what I love. I am smart, hard-working, and (although the books didn't tell me so) I am not ugly or fat.
Books change lives, and better yet--they change people.
